Breaking dawn

I woke up, feeling wired. Some thoughts crossed my mind, and aroused my deepest fear, my craziest chaos. And above all, I fell once again in an empty hole, in which I don’t know what I should do, where I should go or which destination I am heading for. I am always afraid of being lost. Most of the time, I try to find myself some reasonable purposes to keep moving on. However, things do not always smoothly go.

I am 20 years old already, but somehow I am still a kid, an innocent and fragile kid needing protection and care. I disgust myself for being that type of person. But no matter how hard I try to deny the kid inside of me, I just bitterly fail. I can only change the outside, the inside still lingers. That deeply hurts me. I always want to be a strong, independent woman who totally has control over my own life. I want to remain constant in all circumstances. I want more challenges, more changes for my life to save it from a boring circle. I want to experience more, love more, enjoy more, and even risk myself more. However, all the things that are surrounding me now is just something so secured and safe,

I look around, and I see a lot of similar cases. Many of my friends are good girls, just like me. They are brought up in a happy middle-income family. From their childhood, all they hear are sweet voices and nice language; all they see are good manners, love and care. I know that so many people, even rich and famous one, desperately wish for such happiness. And I myself also thank god every day for how lucky I am to have such amazing parents and sisters. But, have you ever wondered that being too happy and secured could destroy you from inside out?

Being happy is the destination of all human-being, with the definition of “happy” varies from people to people. Therefore, if you are born in a too happy family, some of you may not be motivated by the purpose of reaching a destination. Most of these people will be some normal one, they may be kind and sweet, but they are boring. They wake up at 7 everyday; they go to work everyday; they have normal house, normal spouses, normal kids; and then they sleep exactly at 10. How could you ever stand something like that?

I suppose that all greatest men have to suffer from great pains to have enough motivation to achieve their dreams. Pains give you more lessons, more experiences than happiness. If happiness brings you comfort and peace, pains arouse your most terrible feelings. If happiness is a wonderful lullaby, pains are an annoying alarm clock you cannot turn off. I remember that I was onced deeply influenced by some words in “The thorn bird”: “The best is only bought at great pains”.

But what I really mean is not something like: “Hurt yourself to be great people”. Nor am I wishing something terrible happening to life. I love and appreciate what I have more than I can tell. And I own great gratitude to my family, to my friends, to this life. I just want to tell you that you shouldn’t be satisfied with some good things you are enjoying. You must appreciate them, but you have to reach something higher than your current position. You may say: “Nonesense, I am already on the top of the world.” My friend, comparing to what? You will die one day just like me, and in your last moment, what can you say about your life? In our last moment, nothing looks just the way they used to be. That’s the reason why I stick a small piece of paper to my mirror: “Live as today were the last day.”

Challenge yourself, happy little people! You have not been happy since you create and experience them yourself. Get out of your peaceful sweet home. This is a great start for your own amazing journey, and no more than a start. You have to end somewhere else.

For me, I do have to end somewhere else!!!


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