When I was just a small kid, my worst nightmare was waking up in the middle of the night in the middle of my parents’ fights. At that age, all I could do was to pray that disaster away. I also tried to minimize the possibility of my parent’s fights by forcing myself to think about it, like: “Maybe dad and mom will have a fight tonight.” By that, I was quite secured that this horrible scenario could not sneak in and catch me by my toe, ‘cause I was prepared for it.
So many years have gone by, and at the age of 24, for the first time in my life I was caught by a real disaster, even when I tried to prepare for it way way ahead. I have to say, at the very beginning, that disaster almost broke me into pieces. When you had to wait for more than 9 hours outside the surgery room with your mom in her silent tears, you know that all your days before that were like light-hearted sunny laundry days. When you saw the one of you love the most in pain, you know what I did back on that day – I talked in my head over and over again: Don’t be a human in another life! Don’t be a human in another life!
Trouble will come, out of nowhere. Even the clearest sky habours a disastrous storm, and even the finest road hides a dark hole that can swallow a person alive, leaving only fading footmarks. I cannot pray the fear away like I did 15 years ago, yet I still hope for the mercy of God. Not to lighten up my heart. Not to cast all the worries away. I hope for having one more chance. To love.
(I smiled, but those are the worst days of my life.)